romanticize your life but like, the simple things, amiright!?

I used to romanticize my future as a kid. Dream of moving to a big city, doing important work, being remembered. Anything less was a failure. Talk about romanticizing, I used to daydream about being able to walk down my city block, stop in at Starbucks for a latte (this is before they were everywhere — yes I am that old) then heading in for some fancy book editor or magazine writer job. I put that on myself. But there were so many things that were already magical in my life.

I spent my childhood diving into fantasy books — my OG favorite was The Chronicles of Narnia — playing with dolls, having tea parties, creating stories about a particular snow-globe who’s music haunts me to this day. I imagined backstories to all of the games I played, and dreamt of being a writer. These were simple times, and while my childhood wasn’t perfect, I do wish I could’ve reassured myself that part of growing up is embracing our childlike nature and remembering not to take life too seriously.

When my adult years started falling apart, college didn’t work out the way I had hoped, I never got super far away from home, I struggled meeting people and turned to alcohol just to try and connect with others — I lost a piece of myself. I remember watching movies & shows, or reading books & thinking “my life will never be that special. what’s the point.” I had given up the dream version of my life, and entered survival mode. We’ll call these the dark years. They were permeated by periods of light, when I seemed to be getting on track, but I would always slide back into old habits.

Spending time in the hospital and getting my bipolar diagnosis was a pinnacle moment for me, but it didn’t mean I was healed. I still turned to alcohol, and that relationship was problematic. I felt even more like a failure. I had rained chaos onto my life. I had never even made it out of my home state.

Getting sober was the first step. I got married and started building a family, but I still scrolled through social media and hated that comparison I couldn’t help but making. I was ashamed that travelling gave me anxiety & physically made me sick. I hated that I let my body go.

But as someone who no longer drinks, and who doesn’t have many “in-life” friends, social media was an important connection to me. But, much like other things, I was developing an unhealthy relationship with it. It was turning me back into the young girl who used to look at magazine and fantasize about being something other than just a small town girl. I needed to find myself again, outside of being a mother, and a wife.

In 2019 I set out a new path & decided I had to get a hobby. I needed something besides just my family. I taught myself to knit & crochet, something I had always wanted to do but always put off. I was surprised at my new resolve. It was almost as though I could…accomplish things. I also graduated from college in 2019 after attending off and on for 12 years. I was on a roll.

I followed this up by recommitting to my witchcraft practice. I had researched off and on throughout the years — since I was a kid. I remember learning about Wicca, and the fact that I didn’t identify with that path is why I always strayed from it. I was a kid in the 90s, and had limited research skills to look things up on our very slow dial up. Even later on in life, as I purchased resources and visited an occult store here and there, the info that always seemed to dominate was with the Wiccan path.

Now, I have no issue with Wicca, and I think that as a kid learning about it helped me stay connect to the magick within myself, but I yearned for something that fit me, and that path just wasn’t it. During the 2020 pandemic, while being cut off from the world, I was able to find practitioners on social media that didn’t practice Wicca, and my journey into the occult started. And I have been studying various paths since, strengthening my meditation practices and psychic gifts. I have been learning about different divination practices. I feel like I have finally found my footing when it comes to witchcraft.

I am studying chaos magick, and will say that is where a majority of my path is taking me these days. I am currently reading Condensed Chaos by Phil Hine, which will be my first book review. I invite you to read along if you haven’t read it already, and we can share in some candlelit book-chat and tea. Hearthcraft and divination also take up a great deal of my practice. After working with my angels and spirit guides for a bit, I found myself devoting space in my life to Lucifer. I can’t read books fast enough, and after several meditations and readings, I know that this blog is the next step in my path.

So, you can expect several things from me. Personal stories, unverified personal gnosis, book reviews (both occult and fantasy), recipes I like, tips for your practice, crochet tutorials and free patterns, thrifting adventures, and hopefully a journey of me creating my little cottagecore safe space. I am here not as an advanced practitioner, or an expert crocheter or anything like that. I am simply wanting to share my journey as an average witch to those who may benefit from my messy, chaotic little journey.

I invite you to discuss, engage, challenge and share as I want to create a safe space for those who are learning, as well as those who are no longer novice but certainly not expert (where I am). I know I struggled for a time once I had read all of my beginner witchcraft books, and put in some time on the basic practices. Where to go from there? There are so many possibilities, so let’s explore them together!

You can find me on Instagram, Twitter and TikTok at @mothandmagick