The past week or so has been a blur as my daughter, starting daycare for the first time, brought a stomach bug home which started a cascade of sickness throughout our whole house. I have taken the past week for rest and healing, meditation and contemplation. One of the big things I decided when I started this blog was that I wasn’t going to apologize when I was absent from it — life happens, and my all or nothing attitude is usually what leads to the demise of most projects. So, without staying on this topic too long, I’d like to share one of the big revelations that has happened to me during this time.
If you are on TikTok, and WitchTok more specifically, you may be familiar with the fact that there is a lot of emphasis on deity work. A lot of practitioners work with deities, sometimes from different pantheons, and it is an extraordinarily rewarding experience for them. It’s also common to see some of these witches, or even just pagans, reassure newer witches that deity work doesn’t have to be for everyone. It is also pushed that deity work isn’t for beginners, mostly due to the commitment, knowledge needed for cleansing, protecting, banishing, and dedication to research. I would agree with all of these sentiments.
But when you find yourself moving from that “baby witch” (still not sure how I feel about that term, but whatever) phase into more intermediate studies and practices, it can become easy to get lost in what direction you should head in. And this is exactly how I felt myself, which led to me trying to force deity work.
Now, I use the term deity work loosely — I mostly practiced veneration, towards Lucifer specifically. I was excited, and felt that connection heavily. My dreams were heavy with symbolism, and I started seeing signs everywhere. Honestly, I am grateful for this experience, and I do feel as though I connected. I learned to trust my intuition a little more, and I gained some confidence in my craft. But again, I am someone who wants all or nothing, so when I started worshipping Lucifer, I had a mindset that it was forever, that was my deity, and I was sticking to it.
So when my attention started to drift to other areas of my spirituality, and specifically getting called to reconnect with my spirit guides, and ancestors, I was shocked. I was disappointed in myself, as I thought I was just being fickle. But the universe stepped in to give me a slight nudge. Just like that, the energy and signs where I felt Lucifer were gone. I meditated, and reflected. I read more. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. I had been so sure. But my thoughts kept drifting back to my grandmother, and how connected I felt to her while baking my first loaf of bread. I remembered when I first started utilizing my pendulum and my tarot in communicating with my spirit guides. And I knew that deity work just wasn’t for me, at least right now.
Let’s rewind. Ancestor work has always felt difficult for me. It’s been hard to learn about the two sides of my family, and there aren’t many I can talk to on the subject. For personal reasons, I won’t go into much detail here, but I just felt disconnected from my heritage — and yes, I have done the 23&me test. But one member of my family — my grandmother, who died when I was 11 — has always stuck with me. She is the one I think of when I am in the kitchen. I think of her shaking her head at me during all of my missteps in my 20s. I think of her cooing over my babies now, and telling me that it’s okay that I’m not a jet-setting career woman (more on that in a later post). I’m tearing up just thinking of it, to be honest.
So, my path isn’t taking me backwards, it’s just having me get back to the basics. Ancestor work, and getting in tune with my spirit guides. And that’s okay. I had to do a contemplation bath where I really accepted stepping into a new phase of my journey. But I suppose I forgot about the fact that it is a journey, and we are constantly moving. And we just need to be a little gentle with ourselves.
I am feeling called to share this with you, because right now, WitchTok is lit up with talk of deities fading, leaving or disappearing. I can’t comment on your experience, just share mine. I don’t know what is happening in your practice with your deity, if it’s something normal, if it’s a sign you should see where your journey is heading next, or something else entirely. But learn to flow with what’s happening, and accept change if it’s come knocking at your door. It can leave you feeling raw, but excited for the future.