As I delve further into my relationship with my ancestors, I find that there are days when I am super connected, and I swear I can feel the tether to my lineage as I move about my day. But there are also days where I struggle — days when my mental health is having a difficult time, the external world is pummeling me or taking too much, or even I allow myself to become disconnected. Even though I perform grounding and a sitting in the power nearly every day, there are days that my anxiety won’t allow my brain to calm down, the connection isn’t as strong, and my energy kind of floats around. These are days when I don’t do much spiritually, or creatively.
I will give you an example. Last week I had an evening of great meditation. I felt very connected. I did my grounding and sitting in the power, I could feel my energy and the energy of my ancestors. I danced and felt even more connected. I did a carromancy session. My wax, although not taking a specific shape at first, looked as though it was a baby dragon, peering over the cliffs edge before diving into flight. There was a shape behind that seemed to be a nurturing figure, encouraging and allow this space for adventure.
I took this as a sign to nurture my inner child. That’s something I struggle with. I was applauded as a child for having a vivid imagination, but I was also cheered for being “so mature for my age.” We all know that sometimes kids push themselves to act grown before they’re reading for one reason or another, and while I have plenty of fun childhood memories, I remember being plagued with anxiety and never feeling completely unburdened. I also did a session of automatic writing, where a poem came through speaking on my inner child.
I did a few little things. I watched Disney movies with my son. I ordered a rainbow fuzzy blanket to cuddle under, and utilized it while watching said movies. I let myself daydream about writing fantasy again, and actually completing a story. I’m allowing myself to pick out fun, colorful, funky yarns for my projects instead of trying to feed into an “aesthetic.” I am trying to be an unbridled version of myself.
One of the things that makes this difficult is the fact that I am bipolar and a recovering alcoholic. Part of this journey means accepting sadness that I will no longer be able to feel like I’m “letting go” even for brief moments. Because there are things that I have to keep in check, which is best for me and for my family. I used to feel as though I was letting my inner child down, but I know that’s not the case. My ancestors, spirit guides, inner child, loved ones and myself would never want me to sacrifice the stability in my life under the guise of healing. I can connect with the Little Rikki inside of myself while still respecting my boundaries and limitations.
Anyways, all of these feelings and revelations came from a little bit of automatic writing and wax reading. I was stoked — as stated previously, it was though I could feel the tether to my spirit team. Throughout the next day I saw four deer, all who got very close to me and my car. One could argue that it’s the season to spot deer, and that I drive on a lot of back roads so it’s bound to happen. And sure, those things are true. But I could feel my intuition, and I knew that four in one day was my ancestors cheering me on. They wanted to encourage me, and remind me to make space for inner peace.
There was also the other synchronicity. The same day as the deer I saw 1111, 333 and 444. I thought finally, it’s all starting to come together. And then the next day THE FEELING AND THE SIGNS WERE GONE!!
I was perplexed. I did my grounding, I did my sitting in the power. I danced. I continued my inner child activities — I spent one night painting water colors, with no hope of it looking good (because it definitely didn’t). But my next session of carromancy revealed a blob I couldn’t discern any message from. The most it looked like was an old, decrepit hand, and that was pushing it. I turned to my go-to oracle deck, and could tell the cards weren’t speaking to me. I did my prep for my dream work and asked for messages that way. The only bits of my dream I could remember the next morning were pieces of the same recurring dream I have (more on that another time).
Instead of going down my old pattern of a failure spiral, I instead handled in the ways I had been preparing. I cleansed myself and my tools. I spoke some affirmations. I did my stretches and meditation. And I kept up with the activities I started after my last reading. I grounded. I refreshed the water offering on my ancestor altar, and put a cold can of coke there for my Grandpa. And I took some pressure off myself. I realized that perhaps there wasn’t further communication because at that moment there wasn’t anything to say.
They clearly gave me a message to care for and nurture my inner child. I have spent about a week since that message in an attempt to honor that. But they want to see more than a few days effort. Recovering from things in our past takes more than a day or two. I have been making headway when it comes to energetically connecting, but I also let my excitement get the best of me. The good news is the foundations I have learned in my research (cleansing, protecting, meditating, veneration) are all things I turned to when I wasn’t sure, and that’s how it should be.
I think messages from whatever spirits we’re connecting to are meant to sit with us. Make space for it. Pull some cards in reflection of that message. Journal or free write what that journey looks like for you. It’s about those liminal times between communing with your spirit team, and utilizing those times to lay your foundations, work towards healing, and caring for yourself. Most importantly — trust the signs, and trust your intuition. I know my energy will tell me when I am ready to commune again. Between now and then I can focus on the tasks in between: cleansing, protecting, cleaning, meditating, researching, veneration, creating, healing, living.
moth and magick 